Almost, But Not Quite...

This post is taken from an email of gratitude that I wrote to a woman who is new to my sphere of influence. Not a client, not yet a friend (but soon to become one), she is simply a wise and older woman who offered me an opportunity to network with other older women and men who are creating new life stages, beyond the idea of retirement. Her motto, lived: ‘We are not done by a long shot’. LOL, that works for me.

The conversation with her and what it elicited in me, I think will help others.

Long story short, in our conversation, I was running an internal discourse around commitment, obligation and means (money); this was taking me nowhere else but downhill into personal oblivion. Not where I want to live.

I know how to do oblivion well, when I forget myself. I also know how to get out of that place. How many of us really do?

So, I share this with you, because allowing myself to be seen and heard, now, is significant to my ability to help others who live with chronic and deep pain. The physical, the emotional, the financial and the spiritual; the disconnect from Self. These are the things I know about; these are the considerations I have lived. Even as the expert I know myself to BE, I am still in discovery of my own revelations. That will never end as long as my body lives and breathes.

There is always, in all ways, more to uncover and discover.

Good Afternoon, Thank you for the time and the conversation, yesterday. 

I want to appreciate you for the assistance you gave me yesterday…. for hearing me without judgement.  I know that the meeting was intended for on-boarding; however, your gift of questioning and coaching for results was and is deeply honoured. 

Your intuitive hit of Almost, but not quite cracked something open in me. That phrase has been a driver, an underlying belief, which has patterned so many of my life’s results. All the spaces and places where that once unconscious belief has lived have continued to show up since our conversation, yesterday. I lived a belief that my safety could be had in having only this much, nothing more; do not cross that line. 

Furthermore, in re-reading this email to you, I recognize that this is cellular and intergenerational.

If I was to put this realization into business parlance, I would recognize it as an unworkable business model. In my world, it was the prevailing family model, colouring all my choices and creations, including 50 years of Self-employment. Those 50 years of creations actually became 50 years of fixes to keep my boat upright. Who knew?!

Truly, how we do anything is how we do everything.

As a result, I recognize that, throughout my life, I have denied myself the experience of different results - results that could have taken my journey of living in different directions. The cost has, so often, been dear in terms of time, money and confidence.

So, I am choosing to re-start this escapade I am engaged in with a new mantra for focus: It is safe to show up and shake up….with the intention of allowing myself to become comfortable with visibility and provocation and humour. I do believe that 30 seconds of vulnerability and honesty can instantly transform Self and others (as my projections of whom I AM becoming) - in a breath - when 30 years of talk therapy and surface fixes only serve to continue what feels safe and familiar…. under an avoided cloud of despair.

Well, I honour the intelligence of that cloud. The irony of it all, is that it supported rocking my boat as unstable, therefore unsafe. Unsafe and unstable are not the same things. There is a de-coupling of energies at hand.

So, I know what to do and I know how to get to the result I desire for myself. I intend the results I want. I choose to trust. I let the ‘how’ go. I stop constraining time. I be relentlessly my Self and I speak what is true for me. And, I recognize that it will take determination, commitment, consistency and practice…. and grace.

You honoured the sacred in me, yesterday. For that, I am deeply grateful. Much has moved and continues to move, inside of me, where I live. That is a good thing!

Best,

Sheila