Owning ALL of it

The following post was seeded by a response I recently wrote to a woman who, like me, is committed to her own evolution of Self for its own sake:

Thank you for sharing. Your statement to truth: Owning myself being ashamed of another person…I lived this experience recently and discovered that, while reflecting upon what felt like a deep wounding in me, I took myself into hiding. I was seeking to protect the perpetrator of the wounding, myself, as well as others from what I experienced as a vehement diatribe spewed. I could not trust that it would not happen again… and, in no way, was I going to set myself up for that experience again; in no way, was I going to allow space for the perpetrator to impact others. What I experienced amounted to me piling on, even while I know that I have let go of so much of it, one more addition to the pit of shame I have kept buried for so long. I mean, really, who ever wants to go there?

Strategies. I have gotten pretty good at refining ways to isolate myself, telling myself the story that I am busy to justify the mysterious behaviours of not wanting to be seen in order to feel safe, yet still wanting to stand in my own truth, witnessed and validated as the force of creation that I AM. Both truths duking it out , seeking compliance from the other. An on-going battle. This is yet another discovery of a powerful polarization now revealed that unconsciously has played out for most of my life. Another double bind made conscious.

I know the trigger for what I identify as wounding, so shields up is a familiar go-to. And that means isolate and hide; there are so many ways to run that strategy and tell myself that I am not. When it comes to behaviour and outcomes, rationalization through reason becomes a familiar and well worn cloak of avoidance, so I won’t have to let myself know. Way down inside, I hear some critic shouting, ‘No way! Do not let your guard down to feel that vulnerable again. You should know better, don’t ya know! NOT safe!’ How many times do I have to tell you?! So, the desire to BE and feel seen continues to go unfulfilled… and, yet, honouring that truth as a need is essential to feeling whole, unique and essential to my world.

While the intensity of the wounding felt aweful, I was unwilling to not see this godForce - the perpetrator of seething rage, spewed as I perceived her - through my own godForce eyes, even when I felt like irreversible damage had been done and I hurt. That took a lot of slowing down into my own deep inhales and exhales, when everything familiar about that experience was demanding otherwise. I moved through it. Truth is, nothing is irreversible; it can’t not be. Truth is, my perception of anyone can be no better or worse than my projection upon them. Truth is, once we have moved through the experience of all the finer distinctions that are playing out for our conscious edification, our lives can’t not be different. That IS the process of our evolution.

I realize, now, that I can still care deeply and - as awkward as it feels in the presence of old, tired and abusive cultural conditioning - let it be OK to welcome ownership that (yet another truth) I am rarely on the same page as others, even, LOL, when I’d like to believe that I am.

Like you, I know how to run ‘family hero’ well. Not a bad thing… nor a good thing. I just pay attention to it and notice when I have put myself in charge of being responsible for the beliefs, actions and behaviours of others… ‘cause, I know, that, in a plethora of ways, it really IS all about me. I pay attention to when the running of said strategy is leading me into acting out as the scapegoat or the lost child, both of which, in the school of life, I have well passed the tests for. I find it interesting that I have not - up until now - ever consciously identified with the strategy of clown/mascot… although I have so often run the energies of fear and anxiety that serve, paradoxically, as the drivers to lighten things up; after all, lightening things up IS what clowns do. Whenever I have chosen to lighten things up, I’ve also ‘groked’ deep, down, inside, that I wouldn’t have to own just how unsafe I was feeling in the moment; I could simply avoid it. Truth is, it really is all genius, when we allow it be be so.

Realizing that I was taking on responsibility for what I considered another person’s egregious behaviour to protect them and others - ultimately meaning myself - from any possibility of fallout - took me right into the pit of my own shame, not wanting others to know about it. It also took me out of my own present tense where history and future have no traction in manifesting my meaningful life. In my life, when I drop out of present tense, things get messy. As such, I moved into secrecy (pushing the shame further down) and into isolation. Healing only happens in the presence of our own magnificent connection to Self, not in the absence of that connection, telling ourselves otherwise.

I am pretty clear at this age of 76 years wise, that I have crossed a certain thresh hold. While that threshold may or may not be temporal (when I read the Saturday paper’s obituaries, I see so many women my age leaving the planet these days), I now have a depth of clarity that nourishing my Self-connection and my Self-Trust so that others heal themselves, too... empowering mySelf and others… is critical to my individual, collective and global evolution forward. Self-connection and Self-trust ARE what fuel autonomy, personal sovereignty, heart and courage. They are what seed and sustain our personal and collective resourcefulness and resilience. Our willingness to OWN and DECLARE our Self-trust is what returns the essential feral quality of Being to our lives…. something, I think we have deeply forgotten.

I believe that my own clarity started to show up for me when I decided, not too long ago, that it was beyond OK for me to own the badass seer I know myself to be… the godForce I AM, feeling though my godForce senses, hearing though my godForce ears and seeing though my godForce eyes… all of it integral to me experiencing my own unique essence of BEING, the ancient space that I AM whose sole intention for living at this time is to awaken the sacred. Being fully present in this world I have created, while owning that I am not of it means that there is nothing to do but BE myself and speak my truth… and celebrate my own messy courage in all of it.

So, I celebrate you, for staying the course of being visible and sharing through your emails to me. Had you not been so generous, I might not have written what I have just written for myself. It has directed me to honour the clarity of my vision, moving forward. The ancient space that I AM keeps on awakening...

Sheila