The Kid at the Board Table

I have spent a lifetime worrying about what others will think of me and my perspectives. Truly, NOT useful! When it came to feeling safe in my life, I learned very early on to ‘put up, shut up, and to not ‘rock the boat’. Then, and only then, I might get to live. A powerful and unconscious strategy at play, always leaning into the uncertainty and self-doubt that penetrated my daily experience. 
As happens with so many children, It turns out that my sense of feeling ‘safe’ was compromised from the get go. At a young age, I learned to not trust the certainty of my experience and the related decisions I made, so that others would be in the ‘right’ about theirs. 

That was the start of polarizing notions of ‘safe’ and dangerous’. Be kind and all will be well; disown your own truth (even if only to yourself), in favour of other points of view, in order to keep the peace. Bottom line: avoid danger! I believe that avoiding danger held greater value for me than going toward all that would have felt safe.  Sounds crazy, I know. 
Silence was that gateway. Silence on the one-hand became a brilliant ‘exit’ portal (say nothing and you’ll be OK, meaning safe). On the other hand, this was also true: say nothing and you’ll betray your own truth. Damned if you do; Damned if you don’t.

I was 51 years old, in the midst of my own deep dive of Self-discovery when I recognized this strategy for what it was. I recognized that the statement, I ‘might get to live’ pre-supposed an uncertainty about my right to live… that my right to live was dependent upon lying to myself…. and, even with that, that right was not a given.
I think about all the times, I sat at tables of executive boards, hashing out solutions to problems and ideas, yet fearful that I’d be found ‘wrong’ in my thinking. So, I’d stay silent, giving space for each person to speak up. And, in the end, I would finally pick up my courage and bring a solution home, still questioning what I had synthesized from all of the positions put forth, next to my own, often unexpressed. 

Permission. While speaking out and asking for what I want has not come without some trepidation over the years since my realization at age 51 that a fearful child in an adult body was leading at those board tables, giving voice to showing up has become so much easier. I am not a kid anymore; I no longer need permission from others to feel safe. and speak out. As the adult that I am, I AM my own permission. And, so I consistently choose it. While It is not always easy, I have come to embrace it as essential.

If you are reading this, then let yourself know that you ARE your own permission, too.

I have important things to say. So, do you. Where do you hold back on yourself? When do you not show up in your life for yourself? 

I am still discovering all the spaces and places that offer huge potential to show up, as yet untaken. 

At its most practical, it is difficult to show up for ourselves when we unconsciously default to the kid who self silences to feel safe. While it is a most intelligent response for a child who has not been taught that safety resides in showing up,  I think we have to ask ourselves, as adults, just how well that strategy is working for us (?).