I have been really good over the years of my life at self-censoring. It is all pretty old. And, one of the ways self-censoring has always shown up for me lives inside the idiom: Whatever others think of me needs my attention, so, I won’t ever be found ‘wrong’. My own self-applied limitations have been so deeply defined by ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ that BEING right/wrong is how I have perpetually defined myself over the course of my life. Don’t get me wrong; my once rigid perspectives about being right or wrong have lessened as I’ve gotten greater (both in age and wisdom!) However, I have yet to fully let go of my old propensity to refuse to hear those gremlin voices in my ear shouting, ‘Get it right, damn it!’

Recently, I discovered that while I was speaking to anger/rage in terms that were OK for others to understand for themselves, I had great difficulty, in/for myself, to access its essential elemental signal of FIRE in my own body. So deep was the conditioning to not go there for fear of having to experience that intensity rise up in others, I got enormously proficient at avoiding, defending and denying it by holding my breath to stave away any and all perception of danger. With that, I could feel safe (temporarily at best) from any possibility of having to feel shunned and left behind, adding yet another layer of humiliation and shame to an ever increasing mountain of unconscious (likely mysterious to others) behaviours yielding unwanted results in my life.

As I have shared, here, before, sometimes my email responses find themselves re-intended as a blog posting so that others may have the benefit of perspectives which may not have occurred as a possibility, yet hold deep resonance in the reading of them.

The title above, is the question which surfaced twice in an email to me this morning. It is useful to consider, that even the things we consider as unintelligent still carry the genius of purpose… to keep us feeling safe inside, where we live. So, I believe that the title question above will resonate with many; as such, here is my response to the email, sans reference to the writer:

‘Saviour’ has been rumbling around in my awareness for sometime. I choose to live unequivocally and intentionally for evolution of Self for it’s own sake; my chosen way of living is not a side hobby to peruse at my leisure, separate from living in the delusional world that is external to me. Everything is a metaphor for everything else, in my life.